simpson bbq

Having grown up a fan of baseball in the 80s/90s, I know Frank Thomas a/k/a The Big Hurt. Who knew he got into beer?

Every year in the long time fantasy football league, the people at the live draft can earn “Bad Beers”. The list of offenses is long and offensive, but any number of crimes can earn you a Bad Beer. Here’s the general list:

a. Draft 1st kicker
b. Draft 1st defense/special teams
c. Keep kicker
d. Keep defense/special teams
e. Draft/keep player on IR
f. Attempt to draft player already kept
g. Attempt to draft player already taken in draft
h. Ask if a particular player is available
i. Attempt to draft out of turn
j. Draft/keep player not on NFL team
k. Draft/keep player who is in jail or otherwise incarcerated
l. Draft/keep player who doesn’t have a draft board sticker (when draft board is used)
m. Draft first rookie

These penalty beers are easy enough to earn, and need to be downed ASAP once obtained. Past Bad Beers have been room temperature Miller High Life, Busch Ice, and Keystone Ice (barf). The host this year was feeling both creative and local (he’s in suburban Joliet), so the penalty is Big Hurt Beer.

Big Hurt, as in your stomach sensation after drinking one.

Let’s survey the on-hand members of the fantasy football league, each of whom earned a luke-warm Bad Beer for a draft offense…

Sean: Tastes like ball sweat. No beer should smell like cotton candy.

Josh: If I was in a desert dying of thirst… still wouldn’t drink Big Hurt.

Tony: Mix of bubblegum and testicle sweat. That pretty much describes it.

Jon: Smells like raccoon vomit. Tastes like cotton candy dipped in depression. It’s like desperation, like I’ll never get a job. I’d rather drink Blatz.

Chris D: Bubblegum and assholes.

I’m concerned that I have two friends who know what ball sweat tastes like, and that was all taken verbatim.

This blog is concerned with the truth, not the drunk ramblings of bitter fantasy football drafters who made a series of unfortunate picks. I’m going to try and be objective here. A few were refrigerated to optimize tongue numbing. I’ll even pour it into a proper glass.

Really, seriously, this is probably the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. The smell is sugary and vile. It’s been (shockingly!) very poorly reviewed.

The sip isn’t metallic so much as acrid. It’s like a sore suddenly festered on my tongue and spread through the mouth. A heinous beer at best, and that’s a kind way to put it.

My spine literally contorted with a shiver as I convulsed at the repugnance of this beer. People drink this? People pay money for this? There’s better ways to spend your pennies to get a 7% ABV buzz. Like chugging wood alcohol or perhaps some antifreeze?

The beer is clearer than Bud Light without actually being water, if such an atrocity was possibly. Zero effervescence, and that’s with an aggressive pour. Imagine buying a $5 bag of expired Chinese licorice on clearance at the dollar store in the irregulars bin and then leaving it out in the sun in a bog for a week…, that’s the smell. It tastes like bad medicine. Even an hour after pouring the beer smells so offensively fruity.

To give you a full idea of my impression of the beer, here is a little montage of a sampling:

Bad unpleasantness. If you’re a desperate hobo, pass on this crap. I’ve had a lot of beers where I’ve said, “Wow this beer really sucks,” but this is honestly the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. This makes Lobster Lovers Beer look like Westy XII.

You ever sprayed your kids with a high DEET bug spray? That’s the smell of Frank Thomas’ beer.

Pestilence in a can. Under no conditions, and I mean famine drought starvation dehydration should you Drink This Beer. In fact, Don’t Drink This Beer.