Category Archives: Sports

Drink This Beer (At Your Own Peril): Big Hurt Beer

Having grown up a fan of baseball in the 80s/90s, I know Frank Thomas a/k/a The Big Hurt. Who knew he got into beer?

Yummy yum yum (tries not to puke) Boy, you should buy this swill, I mean, malt liquor [GNU Licensed – Source : Wikipedia; User: Drdisque]

Every year in the long time fantasy football league, the people at the live draft can earn “Bad Beers”. The list of offenses is long and offensive, but any number of crimes can earn you a Bad Beer. Here’s the general list:

a. Draft 1st kicker
b. Draft 1st defense/special teams
c. Keep kicker
d. Keep defense/special teams
e. Draft/keep player on IR
f. Attempt to draft player already kept
g. Attempt to draft player already taken in draft
h. Ask if a particular player is available
i. Attempt to draft out of turn
j. Draft/keep player not on NFL team
k. Draft/keep player who is in jail or otherwise incarcerated
l. Draft/keep player who doesn’t have a draft board sticker (when draft board is used)
m. Draft first rookie

These penalty beers are easy enough to earn, and need to be downed ASAP once obtained. Past Bad Beers have been room temperature Miller High Life, Busch Ice, and Keystone Ice (barf). The host this year was feeling both creative and local (he’s in suburban Joliet), so the penalty is Big Hurt Beer.

Apparently every box has some kind of damage

Apparently every box has some kind of damage

Oh no. Bad things inside.

Oh no. Bad things inside.

Big Hurt, as in your stomach sensation after drinking one.

Let’s survey the on-hand members of the fantasy football league, each of whom earned a luke-warm Bad Beer for a draft offense…

Sean: Tastes like ball sweat. No beer should smell like cotton candy.

Josh: If I was in a desert dying of thirst… still wouldn’t drink Big Hurt.

Tony: Mix of bubblegum and testicle sweat. That pretty much describes it.

Jon: Smells like raccoon vomit. Tastes like cotton candy dipped in depression. It’s like desperation, like I’ll never get a job. I’d rather drink Blatz.

Chris D: Bubblegum and assholes.

I’m concerned that I have two friends who know what ball sweat tastes like, and that was all taken verbatim.

Topps '92, #555

Topps ’92, #555

This blog is concerned with the truth, not the drunk ramblings of bitter fantasy football drafters who made a series of unfortunate picks. I’m going to try and be objective here. A few were refrigerated to optimize tongue numbing. I’ll even pour it into a proper glass.

Horrible

Horrible

Really, seriously, this is probably the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. The smell is sugary and vile. It’s been (shockingly!) very poorly reviewed.

The sip isn’t metallic so much as acrid. It’s like a sore suddenly festered on my tongue and spread through the buccal cavity. A fulsome beer at best, and that’s a kind way to put it.

My spine literally contorted with a shiver as I convulsed under the repugnance of this beer. People drink this? People pay money for this? There’s better ways to spend your pennies to get a 7% ABV buzz. Like chugging wood alcohol or perhaps some antifreeze?

The beer is clearer than Bud Light without actually being water, if such an atrocity was possibly. Zero effervescence, and that’s with an aggressive pour. Imagine buying a $5 bag of expired Chinese licorice on clearance at the dollar store in the irregulars bin and then leaving it out in the sun in a bog for a week…, that’s the smell. It tastes medicine-y like syrup of ipecac. Even an hour after pouring the beer smells so offensively fruity.

To give you a full idea of my impression of the beer, here is a little montage of a sampling:

I'm ashamed to be wearing a Bell's hat in these pictures

I’m ashamed to be wearing a Bell’s hat in these pictures

Bad unpleasantness. If you’re a desperate hobo, pass on this crap. I’ve had a lot of beers where I’ve said, “Wow this beer really sucks,” but this is honestly the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. This makes Lobster Lovers Beer look like Westy XII.

You ever sprayed your kids with a high DEET bug spray? That’s the smell of Frank Thomas’ beer.

Pestilence in a can. Under no conditions, and I mean famine drought starvation dehydration should you Drink This Beer. In fact, Don’t Drink This Beer.

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Drink This Beer: Founders Centennial IPA

Greetings from the Queen City of Cincinnati, where the baseball and football teams suck, but the pizza, chili, and ice cream is excellent. (Maybe that explains the obese redneck problem we observed across the river at the aquarium in Newport, Kentucky.) We took in lunch at one of the many local Dewey’s Pizza restaurants, a pizza chain that has expanded to the St. Louis metro area in the past few years.

While in Dewey’s, I figured that I would take the opportunity to try a new craft brew. Founders Centennial IPA out of Michigan sounded like a good pairing with salad and pizza.

I took a few sips before the camera turned on

As with most IPAs, you get some hoppiness, but it is not as strong as some other IPAs. It’s more of a refined ale taste with a mild, fruity aroma.

Dewey's salad with pine nuts, craisins, goat cheese

Went well with a salad. This particular salad had a fruity, creamy vinaigrette that was cleaned up by the crisp bitter beer. I’m really sipping this beer slowly. Founder’s IPA is quite enjoyable, but not a quick drinking beer.

Hawaiian pizza and IPA beer

It sure went well with pizza. Again, the tangy sauce, sweetness of the pineapple and ham, all paired up with the hoppy ale. Centennial IPA has a nice 7.2% ABV and a hearty 65 IBUs, though it seemed less bitter than that.

Apparently it even won some prize at the World Beer Cup, taking a silver medal in the 2012 event in the American Style IPA category. Well-deserved. (Checking that list, I see that something called Norm’s Raggedy-Ass IPA, by the Big Rock Chop House & Brewery in Birmingham, MI won the gold medal. Mental note.)

Anyway, it was a great lunch paired with a great beer. Definitely worth buying again. My recommendation for Founders Centennial IPA: Drink This Beer

NB: While on the topic of Cincinnati, I’d like to note that Brandon Phillips sucks. While he was sitting at home pouting this past fall… I was attending this event in Downtown STL.

Not Pictured: Brandon Phillips

Pictured: Something Brandon Phillips will probably never touch without paying museum admission

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Why, yes, I do hate KU. Why do you ask?

I guess St. Mary’s, as a No. 7 seed, is probably a little too highly ranked to beat KU this season. Usually it’s a double-digit B-school. I see a #14 Belmont creeping up there in the bracket. Hmmm….

My disdain for KU is strong, rooted in four years of college in Kansas City, Missouri. I met many KU fans and visited the school several times, each event reinforcing my prejudice.

I fondly recall 2010. I was participating in a fantasy baseball draft… I was dared to drink a High Life per round. (I finished in last place that season.) After several Buttermaker Boilermakers* I made my way to the parish trivia night where I was completely useless. News of Northern Iowa’s dismantling of #1 overall Kansas reached the gymnasium as we pulled up to trivia night. The place went berserk. The one honk in KU gear was ridiculed all night.

I also very fondly recall 2005, when Bucknell beat Kansas. I was sitting in a hotel room in Chicago crushing Budweiser and Jim Beam with my brother after a long day of patent bar exam preparation. The weight of the idiotic-at-the-time, but smart-in-hindsight Mark McGwire Congressional testimony hung high over my head. Only another humiliating defeat by KU at the hands of a woefully inferior opponent could bring glee back into my life.

Yes, I wept with joy as friggin’ Virginia Commonwealth University crushed KU in the Elite Eight last year. The image of that jackhole in the jayhawk hat crying his pathetic eyes out gets me all excited. Whenever I feel down, I think of that dude.

Bwahahahahahahahaaaa!!!

In fact, the image of Todd Reesing with that massive clump of grass stuck in his helmet during a Mizzou-Kansas beating in 2007 just gets me all fired up. Despite KU’s pathetic strength of schedule and failure to win it’s division, it still went to the Orange Bowl, where it beat a craparoo V. Tech. team. Good for them, but this image lingers.

Undeserved Orange Bowl Participant #1

I have no idea what I was doing when Bradley took down KU in 2006. Regardless, it brought me joy. Deep, intimate joy.

Some people think that I am some kind of Mizzou zealot. Nothing could be further from the truth. I like Mizzou as a taxpayer and proud resident of the state of Missouri. I am also a Billiken fan, having spent thousands and thousands of dollars on a legal education at that fine institution. So maybe The Outlaw Josey Wales is one of my all time favorite movies – pure coincidence.

I just hate KU. Nothing wrong with that. It’s only natural. I’m in the vast majority here. I am just waiting for the Blue Squab to suffer it’s nearly annual defeat to a woefully inferior opponent. This year, my brackets say that opponent is St. Mary’s. Godspeed.

* Buttermaker Boilermaker: Right out of the Bad News Bears, crack and pour out 1/4 of a Budweiser can, then replace the dismissed beer with Jim Beam. Consume, then coach children at baseball. It’s a poor fantasy draft elixir.

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