Spambots Love Me

One of the golden nuggets of having a WordPress blog is the amazing site stats. I can learn about the search terms, search engines, referring websites, countries of origin, etc. of the people visiting this site. It’s quite remarkable and I really enjoy this feature. You might not believe the goofy search terms that bring people here.

Yet another amazing feature is something called Akismet. It’s a comment spam prevention thingy that weeds out spambot comments and lets me enjoy the actual, productive comments from humans (like someone referring to my massive Super Bowl BBQ Menu as the Pooper Bowl).

Akismet takes all of these horseshit nonsensical comments written and vomited out onto the internet by a program created by some “search engine optimizing” knuckle-dragging mouthbreather for whom English isn’t even a second language and sequesters them in a queue for my review. I can do nothing and let them be deleted automatically, or I can take the time to review them for anything accidentally caught. To date a single actual comment was caught out of nearly two hundred worthless ones.

Why not share and ridicule the best?

This brilliant insight came from someone with (and this is not a joke) an email at chickenspoultryeggsincubatorsreviews dot com. You can’t make that up. The site is real. This comment on my Smoked Easter Eggs, though, is as legit as the Easter Bunny:

Thanks for your write down Smoked Easter Eggs simpson bbq. I have not considered this before. It can be a wonder what you might learn on the web.

Wow. How insightful, you stupid robot. What’s sad isn’t how horrible the comment is. It’s that this is easily one of the most coherent spam comments I have ever received. I’ll take another hundred “pooper bowl” comments before I publish this trash and give you a back link.

The “key” to search engine optimization for these asshats is putting deplorable, meaningless comments on blogs throughout the internet with a back link to their shitty spam blog. The problem is that takes time. Lots of time if done diligently. So, why not have some shuckster in Bangalore write some code in his free time, when he isn’t answering phones for AT&T Wireless customer service, that automatically defecates worthless, garbled spam into the blogosphere? Sounds like a plan!

This idiot spammer really, really likes grilled apples:

I think youve made some truly interesting pitons. [Thanks, though what the hell is a piton?] Not too many people would actually think about this the way you just did. Im really impressed that theres so much about this subject thats been uncovered and you did it so well, with so much class. [You’re going to make me blush!] Good one you, man! Really great stuff here.

More gold:

This is one of the best websites that I have ever seen. (Hey, thanks!) Check out [fake sex pill website ending in dot be… where the hell is that?] I’ll folow (sp) your website!

I’ll pass on following your site back. I’m good without the counterfeit, likely toxic crap that would shrivel my genitals and give me cancer.

Anyone else have hollow praise followed by a link to a website full of trojan horses and internet worms? Oh, you in the corner? You have something to say? Go ahead:

This website is realy (sp) awesome! [I appreciate your sincere non-spam compliment!] I just wanna say thank you for sharing this kind of [I swear this is the site: sex-date123 dot nl… again, where in the world is nl?] information with us.

Glad I could help you, Nigerian scammer. No back link for you.

This one is less deplorable:

A magnificent article. I’ll be sure to subscribe to the rest of your posts! Thanks :)

No spammy crap in the post itself, but the back link goes to some sociatnetworkfriends dot net or something like that, with the subpage titled about how to get 5000 friends. I don’t need 5000 friends. Seriously, who does?

More insightful commentary:

Another great site about this stuff you can find over here [shitty spammer site]!!! Let me know what you think about this website and i’ll subscribe to your blog!

So they would like you to visit sex-dating dot co, which is highly relevant to my West Coast IPA post. Nice try, jagoff.

This is a little off-base:

Mark, I saw you at Dragon*Con and we had a brief chat about your wearable light santds. So I borrowed your idea, and made a kit like yours, but in full-on Steampunk style. They’ll be making their debut at MegaCon this weekend. I’ll let you know when I have some photos of the setup, and some taken with the setup.Thanks for the inspiration.- Nathan

Sorry, Nathan, but there’s no Mark here, I’ve never been to Dragon*Con, and I’m sure as hell not going to see your “kit” at MegaCon this weekend. Have a blast without me, though!

The spammers do get a little smarter. This is from a foreign (surprise!) Facebook page, but at least it relates to food:

Ok!Pizza and pasta! I have to check if there is an oven for Pizza.Meg, please post the rciepe of your delicious pasta sauce!I was also thinking of Vegetarian (and also non-vegetarian) Chili. Chili is a must menu for a summer camp. no?I have a rciepe I often use for vegetarian chili. I will scan it and post it soon.I was thinking also to do a Swedish food one time. Maybe a Swedish fish soup. Do anyone have a good rciepe?

And this one, from another scuzball scammer, actually relates to BBQ! Amazing:

hey silz86, beef ribs tend to be fattier so you need to low and slow them at aruond 225f for 4-7 hours(depending on the size of the rack) to render off the fat and get them tender! Serve with a good sauce or gravy -BBQ Pit Boys

Who is “silz86” and who are the “BBQ Pit Boys”? Not horrible advice, though I would pass on the gravy with BBQ beef ribs.

The hot dog and fireworks conspiracy spammers have something to say! Shiny shoes, pointy hats?!

In fact there were something like 90 state and local doitaralcens of independence in the Colonies beginning on Oct. 4, 1774, with the state of Virginia issuing hers in May of 1776. At that point the hugely powerful hot dog and fireworks corporate interests had finally had it: the market for hot dogs and fireworks had become too fragmented and unprofitable, so something had to be done. They hired expensive lobbyists in shiny shoes, wool coats, and fancy pointed hats who strong-armed the Continental Congress into speaking with one voice and passing the final Declaration of Independence.Hot dog and fireworks markets were instantly stabilized and have prospered ever since.

Why not finish with this incredible ode from some Arabic Facebook page. This is a verbatim quote from the spam queue, typos and wharlblargl unedited:

Geeze old man, take your rational pills, you’re driitfng again.It’s the story where they invented post colonialism. Then went to the Philippines and sort of forgot it. They rehashed the Ancient Greek Demokrasis idea (without quite so much body oiling or sodomy) but only applied it to male melanin-deficient people. They rejected monarchism, then fawn upon anyone with a title, pedigree, hemophilia &/or a cleft palate. They took a perfectly reasonable economic concept free market economics and fetishised it to the point where 90% of all there is to own is owned by less than 10% of the population. Then they give that 10% tax cuts. They are generous to a boggling degree business & private philanthropy gives squillions to animal welfare, performing & creative arts & heritage, yet they let their countrymen starve & freeze on what they appallingly call welfare and even die of treatable diseases as some kind of bizarre morality lesson. They declare themselves a nation of immigrants yet fear and demonise illegal Latinos. They worship truth & justice yet live comfortably in a stolen land and happily conduct trial by television. (OJ’s glove?) They value hard work & persistence above all else except pointless celebrity like the Kardashians & Paris Hilton. They (literally) broadcast their competitively rabid Christianity, yet reject brotherly love and demand the right to tote lethal, concealable & high velocity death.They are the 20th century’s great innovators and industrial leaders. Except for a couple of noteworthy Scotts, they developed, commercialised & thus bought to the mass market every technology from TV to toaster ovens. Without their moral code & intervention Europe would almost certainly be under the third, or perhaps by now fourth Reich. Yet they created a baker’s dozen of psychopathic despots.They are remarkably, surprisingly, concurrently the best and the worst a nation can be.Happy Birthday America.

WTF?

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