Drink This Beer (At Your Own Peril): Big Flats

Did you know Walgreen’s sells beer? It’s a relatively recent development here in suburban St. Louis. About this time last year, I was in Walgreen’s buying a bunch of crap I didn’t need when I came across a pallet of beer selling for $2.99 per six pack: Big Flats.

Uh oh

You could pejoratively call it “Walgreens Beer” but at 50 cents a can… it’s a price you can’t beat. Being that I chronically was low on cash 12 months ago, how could I not buy this stuff? I snagged a sixer on St. Patrick’s Day and settled in for a work-from-home 50-cent-beer day full of NCAA basketball. It was something like 70 degrees outside. Life was good.

Not pictured: Unsupervised children

It’s amazing what green food dye does to otherwise non-awesome beer.

Soon it came time for a fantasy baseball draft, something traditionally spent with “bad beers”, though I have only had a few truly Bad Beers (Bud Light being candidate #1). Once again, I called on my new friend, Big Flats.

Ready to draft like a moron again

I finished in third place, despite being a huge dumbass when it comes to fantasy sports. (I chalk up my “success” as due to being in a league full of idiots.)

Times improved (financially) and I could suddenly afford beer that did not come from a pallet at Walgreen’s. It’s been a while, but I had to take a late night trip to the drug store a couple days ago. Sitting there, next to the magazines, batteries, and Airborne, my old friend shot me a wink.

Amazingly, the cost of discarded mutant barley must have gone up! Big Flats is now $3.19 per six pack! This shocking inflation aside, I decided to saddle up and get some Big Flats. This isn’t the typical edition of Drink This Beer.

Scotland disapproves

Crack open the first one and take a whiff. Not good. It’s got a typical cheapo canned beer aroma. Don’t breathe it in too deeply, lest you get scar tissue in your trachea. Before consuming, make sure that it is unbelievably cold. Otherwise, your taste buds might collect the full impact of the brew as you hastily fling it down your gullet.

I suggest drinking it after cutting the grass, while fishing, or while doing anything where your senses can be distracted by other odors and tastes. Given the wateriness of the beer, it helps if you are in stifling heat.

Now, you need to drink this thing out of a can, typically quite quickly. I don’t want to soil a nice pint glass or one of my frosty mugs, but I want to get a photo of this beer outside of its usual habitats of can or belly, so I am using a rarely used juice glass as the Big Flats vessel.

Semi-translucent. Are you surprised?

It is exceptionally effervescent, with a tall but thin head. It’s more yellow than I anticipated, amazingly darker than Bud Light. I’ve never seen it unadulterated in a glass before.

As you sip it, your body will wonder, “Why are you doing this to me?” The only thing to stave off the inevitable bad beer headache is to quickly consume the remaining beers as fast as possible.

Taste… let’s see. Imagine if Pearl Beer had a love child with some Hamm’s. It’s too light to compare to Pabst or High Life. But it actually has an acrid, acidic flavor reminiscent of a high school chemistry lab test tube used to drink pooled rainwater from a Bronx rooftop.It’s bitter, but not like a hoppy IPA… more like licking a magnet. I am starting to feel strange pressure in my frontal lobe and get a little jaw pain.

I feel compelled to pour it back into the mare from whence it came. Instead, I will just drink the entire six pack, watch a DVRed Walking Dead, and probably get the taste out of my mouth with some Jim Beam and water.

Even Stephen Colbert is on board: “BIG, as in the quantity you can buy with the change between your couch cushions, and FLAT for both its taste and the position it will put your body in.” (Seriously, click the link and watch the video.)

My recommendation for Big Flats Beer, of course, is: Drink This Beer At Your Own Peril

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