Dingbats Aren’t Just Bud Light Drinkers

Yet another post that has nothing to do with BBQ and is only tangentially related to the substance of beer, though two breweries are involved. Keep scrolling, Mr. Chug-A-Lug or Ms. Brisket Lover. This isn’t the blog entry for you.

When I’m not loading my body with the poisons of alcohol and cholesterol, I pay bills as an Intellectual Property attorney. That means that before continuing, it’s time for the Disclaimer: In case you didn’t already know, nothing here is legal advice. Don’t rely on anything here as legal advice. Remember that seeking legal advice from a BBQ & beer blog = You fail at life.

A friend shared an article on Facebook about a lawsuit filed by fairly well known brewer Magic Hat against relative newcomer West Sixth Brewing Co., out of Lexington, KY. Intrigued by craft breweries in litigation, I clicked. Turns out Magic Hat, owner of the #9 trademark and current applicant for the #9 design registration for their #9 beer, took exception to the West Sixth logo.

Look for yourself.

This is the federal mark that Magic Hat filed with the US Patent & Trademark Office (image from the USPTO TESS database):

#9 is divine

#9 is divine

It doesn’t come in black & white on the shelf. Here is a pic from an early Drink This Beer from this very blog:

Drink this beer

Drink this beer

And, here is the West Sixth logo that caused all the hubbub (image from the currently-overwhelmed by traffic westsixth.com, via Google images):

It's a 6, you dingbat!

It’s a 6, you dingbat!

Factoid of the day: That little eight pointed star is called a dingbat. Frankly, I think it’s an important part of this case for reasons I’ll explain.

Taking the very, very 10,000 foot view on this issue, the case comes down to customer confusion between these two marks. There’s a series of factors involved, but that’s it. Are you confused? Would you ever buy West Sixth thinking you were buying Magic Hat #9?

As for me, the answer is no. Every case is subjective, but I (1) read labels, and (2) like to think that I know at least a little more than the average beer drinker.

More specifically, there are well-known factors that courts use to determine when a trademark is infringed. For guidance, let’s look to Harvard Law, who wouldn’t touch my undergraduate transcript with a ten foot cattle prod:

“The standard is “likelihood of confusion.” To be more specific, the use of a trademark in connection with the sale of a good constitutes infringement if it is likely to cause consumer confusion as to the source of those goods or as to the sponsorship or approval of such goods. In deciding whether consumers are likely to be confused, the courts will typically look to a number of factors, including: (1) the strength of the mark; (2) the proximity of the goods; (3) the similarity of the marks; (4) evidence of actual confusion; (5) the similarity of marketing channels used; (6) the degree of caution exercised by the typical purchaser; (7) the defendant’s intent. Polaroid Corp. v. Polarad Elect. Corp., 287 F.2d 492 (2d Cir.), cert. denied, 368 U.S. 820 (1961).”

In plain English, the Court will evaluate these and other factors to determine if West Sixth is on the hook for infringement liability. Here’s my take on each:

Strength of the Mark – Magic Hat has two trademarks here. The first is the #9, which has been around so long that it’s literally considered incontestable, and for which Magic Hat has a federal registration. The second is the #9 design shown above, minus the color scheme (which is part of the trade dress, not necessarily the trademark… just stick with me here). The second one is merely a registration but has been on file for a few years and I consider it to be a logo that I know on sight. I’d award this point to Magic Hat. It’s not the Budweiser or High Life logo, but it’s a fairly well known mark in its own right.

Proximity of the Goods – Both are beers, both available in Kentucky (the locale of the Federal District Court where this case was filed). Easily a point for Magic Hat.

Similarity of the Marks – A 6 is not necessarily a 9; My kindergarten-aged daughter can tell you that. But, 180 degrees is all that separates the two, and they appear to be in similar if not the same font. The Magic Hat mark has much more in the way of design elements, and the sizing / location of the numbers with respect to the overall logo isn’t the same. There’s also no # in the West Sixth mark. With only these facts I’d be inclined to lean towards West Sixth.

Here is my hangup: The Dingbat. I can’t imagine that many beers have this unique eight point star shape on their beer label. Indeed, none come to mind. It’s right there in the loop of the 9 and next to the upper half of the 6. Yes, the eight points on #9 seem similar, as opposed to the elongated N, S, E & W points on the 6, but it seems like a pretty wild coincidence that you’d have this shape in both labels. I think there’s a chance that a reasonable judge or perhaps jury might award this point to Magic Hat as well. This is very hard to predict.

Evidence of Actual Confusion – I can’t imagine there’s any. West Sixth is a purely local beer, and any Kentucky buyer isn’t going to pick up West Sixth on accident while looking for Magic Hat. We might have a case of reverse confusion, however, where a KY buyer purchases #9 on accident. This one is probably awarded to West Sixth, and is a draw at worst for them.

Similarity of Marketing Channels Used – I can’t comment on this except that the lawsuit alleges that the same distributors may be shuffling this beer around stores. That means they could be on the same shelves in the same parts of the beer aisles at the local grocer. Point to Magic Hat.

Degree of Caution Exercised by Typical Purchaser – This could turn into a powerful point for West Sixth. What is a typical purchaser? If you believe that the typical beer buyer is a moron, you’d be right. Bud Light and other mass-produced scuzbrew dominates both the bestselling beer list as well as the worst beers in the world list. The degree of caution is limited by (1) what’s on sale, (2) what’s on the aisle end cap and saves me some extra walkin’, and (3) what gets me good n’ drunk?

But what about the typical craft beer buyer? That guy who is in the minority of beer buyers who is looking specifically for hand-crafted beer, someone who eschews the watery dreck of Super Bowl ads… what is his level of caution? I’d say it’s pretty high. That guy, the guy in Kentucky who is looking for local craft beer will not pick up Magic Hat #9 on accident. He or she knows brands, knows beer styles, understands hops, can tell you what IPA stands for. That customer is not going to be confused, and that’s ultimately what would I emphasize if I were West Sixth’s counsel in this case. The degree of caution for a typical craft beer purchaser is very high. Point to West Sixth because I’m proud of that distinction.

Defendant’s Intent – I am inclined to believe that West Sixth, a local brewer in Kentucky wasn’t looking to trade off the goodwill of a far more established New England brewer. Did the graphic design guy who did their logo draw inspiration from #9? Maybe, but who can say. I give this one to West Sixth.

CONCLUSION – I’m not a judge and I’ve never been on a TM jury. That Polaroid case may not even be good law anymore. Hell, I’m drinking beer right now (FYI, O’Fallon Kite Tail)! I can tell you this case passes the smile test and Magic Hat may have tried to resolve this without litigation. To file this case, they had to come down to Kentucky. They are going to get some bad press from craft beer lovers, as well as people who look at the logos and think they look nothing alike. This isn’t quite at the scale of Budějovický Budvar vs. Anheuser-Busch (now AB/InBev), but it’s still a relevant dispute in my areas of expertise (IP & Beer).

I’m going to barely side with West Sixth because I don’t see (and can’t imagine) any actual confusion has taken place. I also believe that the craft beer drinker is a man or woman of discriminating tastes who knows what he or she is buying. Litigation is a total crapshoot, so this could turn out totally differently.

(Note to nitpicking lawyers reading this: Yes, I know there is a trade dress claim, state claims, etc. My readership is barely literate and probably came here trying to learn about 55 gallon drum smokers, parboiling ribs, or some other nonsense. This is over-simple, and probably not 100% accurate. Thanks in advance for being kind if you choose to comment.)

My final thought on this is that, even though being sued sucks and is expensive, I have a feeling that this is going to be one of the best things to ever happen to West Sixth. I had never heard of them until today, and I imagine the same can be said for thousands of others who read this or a similar article. This isn’t bad press, it’s a mountain of sympathy press that can be spun as the big out of town brewery coming into Kentucky to push around a little guy… a little guy who sells beer you may want to try.

Updated May 22, 2013: Although I had seen the social media campaign yesterday from West Sixth, only today I came across Magic Hat’s response (other than the lawsuit, which is a pretty powerful response in and of itself), via Magic Hat’s Twitter account. I’m posting both in the interest of fairness. I’ll even link to the Reddit thread.

Updated (Again!) May 22, 2013: The plot thickens! West Sixth isn’t backing down and fired back at Magic Hat. This has gone from interesting to compelling. I’m curious what’s next.

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I Eat Salads

If the title of this post isn’t a giveaway, I like greens mixed with stuff and dressing. While at Dave & Busters for a business lunch, I saw the ridiculously-named salad: The Lawnmower.

Note the fork for scale

Note the fork for scale

The waiter told us that he’d only seen two people eat the entire monstrosity. After me, it was three.

Why post this salad nonsense on my BBQ & Beer blog? I mentioned that I had eaten the largest single-serving salad I’d ever seen and was ridiculed by friends. They dared me to post and here we are. It was friggin’ delicious.

After I got home, I cracked open an impulse beer from a favorite brewery: Le Freak by Green Flash. It was amazing, and might have earned a spot in my beer Top 20 list.

C'est chic! (Sorry, Christopher)

C’est chic! (Sorry, Christopher)

Coming in over 9% ABV, this Big Beer packed a whallop, but it was very tasty and drinkable. Worth another buy for sure.

Drink This Beer: 4 Hands Chocolate Milk Stout

What surprise awaited me at my in-laws’ in their garage fridge but an intriguing Big Beer that some careless brother-in-law had left behind. Behold the 4 Hands Chocolate Milk Stout.

MOO!

MOO!

As a lover of chocolate milk and beer I didn’t pay for, what was there to lose? Time to crack this bossie and pour.

Not my glassware

Not my glassware

The smell of the beer in the bottle is pure stout without much of a hint of chocolate. When poured into the rising body of the beer, I was met with a thick lustrous head. As the beer breathed, the head settled into a thicker-than-Guiness landscape of froth.

Looking at the beer, it’s 100% non-translucent. The rich dark color shows it’s brownness only at the edges of the curvature of the bottom of the beer glass. The aroma once poured has traveled from stout to chocolatey stout.

Drinking this beer, it’s kind of luxurious. There’s a definite chocolate finish, but it’s purely dark chocolate with zero sweetness. Rather than competing with it, the chocolate flavors complement the strong toasted malt stout flavors.

Texturally, I’m really wowed. There’s almost a true milky sensation of the beer rolling around in the back of my mouth, though it’s definitely a beer. At a mere 5.5%, I could easily handle the Big Beer.

Perfect pairing

Perfect pairing

Unfortunately the beer doesn’t suggest pairing with ice cream, except perhaps chocolate ice cream? Could this be the perfect ice cream float beer? (Unfortunately my in-laws had no ice cream but for some rainbow sherbert… that would have been disgusting.) I was between meals, so no beef either.

How about pairing it with a Cardinals shellacking of the Brewers?

Pow. Down goes Bernie!

Pow. Down goes Bernie!

Super smooth. Easy to drink. Great flavors that are well-balanced. Nice job.

My applause to the people at 4 Hands. They know what they’re doing in dessert beers for sure. I’m always looking for more local beers, and 4 Hands is on my radar going forward. My recommendation for this decadent dessert of a brew: Drink This Beer

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Smoked Cod Tacos

Cold and raining?! Ain’t got no time for that. It’s taco night.

A little crapola weather can't keep me down

A little crapola weather can’t keep me down

It doesn’t have to be a Friday in Lent to enjoy fish at the end of the work week.

Fish tacos are quick and easy. Clean flavors, loaded with lean protein, and widely-appealing.

I put a couple cod filets from Schnuck’s on a water-soaked cedar plank, and gave each a sprinkle of Lawry’s Seasoned Salt and a light dusting of Old El Paso Taco Seasoning Mix.

Alaskan Cod makes good tacos

Alaskan Cod makes good tacos

By “light dusting” I really meant light dusting. That taco mix can be overpowering, and I want to taste the fish and the smoke. The taco mix is really meant to be a complement to the taco theme of the meal.

Instead of quickly cooking the fish by using the plank to steam and smoke the fish, I am going to let the cedar plank provide a clean platform for cooking and only some moderate smokiness. I have in the past put planked fish over semi-direct heat and let the plank char. Not this time.

How are smoked jalapenos? I guess I'll find out.

How are smoked jalapenos? I guess I’ll find out.

Instead, I offset the fish to completely indirect cooking and put a few chunks of dry mesquite wood on the coals.

After about 45 minutes, the fish was done and looked pretty amazing.

Smoke color looks great!

Smoke color looks great!

For service, I warmed some flour tortillas and made small 5 bite tacos out of the fish, along with some black beans, taco cheese, cilantro, light sour cream, and some amazingly awesome Frontera tomatillo salsa. Finish with 1/8 lime drizzled over the plate.

To warm but not toast the tortillas, I just tossed some foil over the fire and quickly flipped them around until each was ready. I just stacked them up and wrapped the pile in that same foil until service.

They taste as good as they look

They taste as good as they look

These were spectacular and the entire thing took less than an hour from start to mouth. The rich smokiness of the wood melded with the flaky fish. Cod can be oily and dry, but these morsels were far from it. Amazingly delicious.

Next time, I’ll pass on the black beans because their flavor rose up a little more than I wanted to interrupt the fish. One decent-sized filet made three heaping tacos.

Simple, easy, tasty: Three things that make this dish a winner.

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Search Term Silliness

Every once in a while I like to look through the search terms that bring internet users to this blog, and it’s usually an experience that mixes sadness, alarm, and hilarity. Each term below was entered into a search engine in the past three months and brought me a visitor. Enjoy.

death by smores – I suppose there are worse awesome ways to die.

2 55 gallon steel drum stacked smoker – Damn clever idea. I just need a soldering torch and some more barrels.

triple barrel 55 gallon drum smoker – So, one is good; Two is better. Is three excessive or awesome?

best beer to drink with lobster – The answer sure as heck isn’t Lobster Lovers’ Beer, which is the best beer to drink if you want to punish yourself.

beer with pcp in it – Uh… that sounds like a terrible idea. Home brewers are getting a little too creative.

wild bills fireworks store – One of the best pictures I’ve ever taken. Glad to help!

arab dad making chicken – What?

apple jacks unhealthy – Huh?

amateur affair tumblr – Seriously?

jp losman fajita – WTF?!

pro bono patentGo away, you cheapskate.

simpson bbq forsale – I’m somewhat intrigued…

big flats birthday cake – I’m extremely intrigued…

short guy drinking beer – YES. The search engine brought the searcher to this picture.

ralph wiggum alcohol – This also brings me joy. But who searches for something like this?

dan simpson bbq beer blog – You’d think that anyone who knows I have this blog would know the very simple URL. Was that search necessary?

Drink This Super Cheap Beer: Simpler Times

Sometimes cheap beer is nothing more than pale effluvia water, minimally-effervescent and even less flavorful. In fact, most of the uber-cheap swill at the short end of the beer aisle that’s typically loved by hobos and fraternity boys is generally unsuitable for human consumption. Clever marketing has convinced America that some bottled dreck (looking at you, Bud Light) is worthy of some serious coin. Let’s talk instead about an exception to those rules: Simpler Times.

Disclaimer: Can not actually cross-stitched

Disclaimer: Can not actually cross-stitched

Yes, I remember simpler times. I was a broke-as-shit college student who squandered his work study checks down at the liquor store on horrific gutter beer. Why? Because, dammit, that was cheap. Six really amazing beers for $8, or thirty deplorable beers for $14. Simple math for simpler times.

Thanks to the miracle that’s Trader Joe’s, I can relive those simpler times with… (wait for it) Simpler Times. Yes, at a mere $3.49 per sixer, you too can reminisce about your impoverished days (or continue to live in your current destitution) and enjoy a pretty decent beer.

Like many other similarly-budget-conscious beers, this one is pale yellow and exceptionally fizzy when poured. Once poured, all but minimal effervescence remains. It’s as if the carbonation can’t wait to get the hell out of this budget beer.

Using the countertop to add color is deceiving. It's far paler.

Using the countertop to add color is deceiving. It’s far paler.

Instead of a biting acidity or just plain blandness, however, I found this beer to have a mild, smooth, mellow flavor. It wasn’t bad… kind of, uh, good. It was strange and unexpected.

Having sampled a few (at 6.2% ABV, by the way) it tastes better out of an unfrozen beer glass than it does the can. I actually chose the Lager because of it’s higher ABV. The Pilsner is sub-5%, so why even bother with empty calories if you can’t even get to an altered state.

Yes, it smells like the floor of the fraternity house basement the morning after the initiation stag party, but it doesn’t have a nasty aftertaste. I taste cheap-o beer, but probably one of the best cheap-o beers money can buy. I’m shocked and impressed. Honestly, I thought this would be some kind of self-flagellation in the name of beer reviews, but I kind of enjoyed it and I wasn’t even cutting the grass or drafting a fantasy baseball team. I was sitting on my butt watching Seinfeld (the Doodle episode, to be specific).

Cover of GQ

Cover of GQ

So, if you’re short on money and live near a Trader Joe’s, then perhaps you should take yourself back to Simpler Times. I encourage your impoverished ass to: Drink This Beer.

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BBQ Joint Review: PM BBQ

A kid’s birthday party in Chesterfield left me with a couple hours to kill. On the way, I noticed  BBQ restaurant: PM BBQ. Instead of watching my child and others bounce around and eat pizza, I decided to give this place a shot. It’s not he’ll be unsupervised, so I can have some fun, too.

At the corner of Edison & Long in the Gumbo Flats flood plain, the crisp new facade of PM BBQ greets you.

So new and clean... is this place legit?

So new and clean… is this place legit?

Even though the place shows no sign of smoke or grime, they have some hardware to boost credibility.

When your ribbons number such that they cover all the colors of the rainbow, you might be doing it right

When your ribbons number such that they cover all the colors of the rainbow, you might be doing it right

Let’s talk briefly about prejudice. One of my preconceptions of high-end BBQ restaurants includes old buildings, usually either (1) extremely old & original location, or (2) very old building that’s been reclaimed. Examples of the former are Fiorella’s Jack Stack in Martin City, MO, Rendezvous in Memphis, or Arthur Bryant’s in Kansas City. Examples of the latter include (previously-reviewedHendrick’s in St. Charles, MO or Pappy’s in St. Louis, MO. Each building has character and charm, and none is in a shiny new building.

Well, as history has shown, not all prejudices hold true. PM BBQ is in a nice new building, and it turns out their BBQ is pretty damn good.

Having never been there before, I sought counsel from the kid at the counter. He advised that brisket sandwich is one of the best things on the menu for first time customers. Additionally, I went with beans as a side, since that’s a decent measure of BBQ prowess, and fries because I was in the mood for some french fries.

Brisket lunch platter

Brisket lunch platter

That’s an impressive portion of meat, which is a good thing because I’m hungry and I love brisket.

Before I came to PM BBQ, I phoned a friend who works in Chesterfield for some input. He didn’t answer, but called me back after lunch. The report was that PM BBQ is the best restaurant in the Valley by far, and brisket is the way to go. I have to agree with his assessment.

Behold the care taken in preparing this cow

Behold the care taken in preparing this cow

The brisket is thin sliced, certainly thinner than I can cut mine without a rotary meat slicer. As you can see from the photo, there’s a nice dark pink smoke line and plenty of peppery spices on it. Extremely tender, very very moist. I’m a little bit blown away by this brisket, and I don’t say that lightly. This is an impressive portion of meat, from the quantity to the quality.

It’s clear to me that significant skill went into this brisket, and as an amateur constantly seeking to better my own brisket, I can really appreciate that effort and skill.

I do have one negative comment, though, and it relates to the bun. I got a dry (not stale) yellow bun that overpowers the meat and makes my bites dry, so that you need to add sauce. Adding sauce then masks the flavor and texture of the brisket, so why go to a really good BBQ place in the first place? No bread needed, so you should just discard it if you get the brisket sandwich, or take it home and feed the birds.

Speaking of sauces, there are four on the table.

4x sauce

4x sauce

Carolina, Golden Mustard, Spicy and Sweet. I’ll review each in turn from right to left.

Carolina – Nice and vinegary, as you would expect from a Carolina sauce. Unlike many sauces that call them selves Carolina, this one is legit. Commercial “Carolina” sauces are more regionally-inspired than the genuine article. It’s very thin and nicely spicy, without a hint of tomato. I’m a huge fan, and the yellow bun absorbed it well.

Golden Mustard – Ah, the step brother of Carolina sauce! There are truly two kinds of Carolina sauce, one being the vinegary eastern North Carolina discussed above, and the South Carolina mustard. This is the latter, and it’s powerful. I don’t have much experience with this type of BBQ accompaniment, but PM’s has a distinct flavor that shows inspiration from or relation to the Asian mustard you get in little packets with your General Tso’s chicken. I liked the consistent texture and solid heat profile, but this was not my favorite. That’s more of a testament to the strength of the others and my virginity to this kind of sauce than an indictment on the PM BBQ Golden Mustard sauce. Perhaps a resident of the Palmetto State would be beside himself with pleasure at this sauce.

Spicy – Good, but not spicy. I was waiting for spicy… Perhaps this town has a bastardized BBQ sauce palate because of all the watered down flavorless goop that passes for pork steak sauce. If you drink nothing but Bud Light all the time, then a Schlafly tastes like a malty porter. If you only put skim milk on your raisin bran, then whole tastes like heavy whipping cream. And if you only dunk your meat in a slurry of Maull’s and beer, then normal sauce with a modicum of zest is “spicy”. I know spicy, and this isn’t it. (And, yes, I did swirl the bottle a few times to arouse any sediment and get a consistent sauce pour.)

Sweet – We have a winnah! Excellent sauce, great spice flavors without a very sugary pop. Perfect sauce to put on the brisket, and I used it to clean up my french fries. Wonderful sauce.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t tout the beans, which were wonderful. I counted three kinds of beans, and a few nice big chunks of pork with some short ribbons of onion. The beans came out very hot and had a nice twinge of spice, coupled nicely with a very subtle sweetness. The tenderness was spot on, and I enjoyed the thickness of the sauce. I took a bite to sample, then destroyed half of my serving before getting to the brisket.

The french fries were french fries. Thicker than shoestring, they came out piping hot. What can I say… I was just in the mood for some fries. I’m told after the fact that I should have gotten the Sweet Corn Spoonbread. Live and learn. I did find that my fries were oversalted, but it’s hard to complain when the rest of the meal rocked as it did.

With my meal, I knocked back some iced tea. They do have bottled beer in the soda cooler, but it was barely noon…

PM BBQ turned out to be an amazing restaurant with intense credibility based on the strength of the brisket. I’m definitely returning, and not just when I find myself way the hell out in west Chesterfield.

Epilogue

It only took 40 minutes to eat. That gave me tons of time to kill after lunch. I got in my car and looked at the storefront before me. Whaddaya know! The Chesterfield International Tap House is next door to PM BBQ. I think I know how to kill some time.

How many beers do they have on tap? A few…

Decisions, decisions...

Decisions, decisions…

I was thirsty and not in the mood to think, so I ordered a known favorite: Charleville Half Wit Wheat.

Charleville Half-Wit

Charleville Half-Wit

That beer was so good, I went with the bartender’s suggestion of Charleville Nitro ESB.

Charleville Nitro ESB

Charleville Nitro ESB

All this beer eventually sent me to the restroom, where I saw this on the stall partition:

Everything comes full circle

Everything comes full circle

A fitting end to my Chesterfield adventure, among the hundreds of beer and restaurant stickers that plastered the walls. I’ll be back to iTap soon, if not this location then another.

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Cold Calling A Patent Attorney

BBQ & Beer enthusiasts, this one probably isn’t for you (unless you need an IP attorney, in which case you may learn a little about cold-calling).

As you might know, my day job entails lawyering. Not just any lawyering, but the specialty known as Intellectual Property. Because of that, I get phone calls.

(Disclaimer: In case you didn’t already know, nothing here is legal advice. Don’t rely on anything here as legal advice. Remember that seeking legal advice from a BBQ & beer blog = You fail at life.)

The subject of cold calling a lawyer has been very well-addressed by Ken at Popehat (although we get different types of calls since we are in different practice areas). This post is a little more specific to intellectual property law.

I do my best to avoid taking legal work from clients who are going to turn into problems. This is not taught in law school. If Mr. or Mrs. Cold Caller seems like someone who will be a nightmare client or, even worse, a nightmare malpractice plaintiff, then I decline. I prefer to let someone else take on the risk of that type of client – as a solo practitioner with a wife, kids, house, dog, massive student loans, etc., I am exceptionally risk-averse.

Each of these things (I swear this is all true) have been said to me. It’s at that point in the call when I know I will never ever agree to take your case.

Invention worth millions of dollars.” – The red flag of all red flags. I hear this MONTHLY. Any iteration of this is an immediate referral out to the bar referral service. It’s a sign of delusion. If you’re deluded about your invention and the chances of becoming a millionaire, then who are you going to be mad at (read: sue for malpractice) when your seven figure check doesn’t arrive? Me. No thanks.

I fired my last patent attorney.” – This isn’t necessarily a 100% dealbreaker, because maybe he/she truly did a horrible job. I can read the patent file online and see the state of the case, but odds are high you are either a pain in the rear client or the application is FUBAR. Either way, my risk-aversion says I’m not the attorney for you.

I filed my own patent application...” – I’m not much of a gambling man. I play a little poker here and there with friends, and I have been known to wager beer during the fantasy football season. But I’ll bet that your application has been hopelessly screwed up by your own hands. It’s a nearly ironclad rule that no one should ever file their own patent application. When the client is looking for someone to blame down the road, it is either them or you… who do you think they’ll choose?

I filed my own provisional patent application 11 months and 3 weeks ago…” – See above. If you file your own provisional patent application because it was super cheap and super easy, you likely super messed it up. You have 12 months from filing to file a non-provisional based on the (probably toxic) provisional. I might be able to help you out in this small window of time, but the earlier filing date is probably forfeit.

The Lord delivered you to me.” – I got this verbatim, followed by lots of Bible quoting and failing to give me the name of the jackass who provided my number. This one was referred to a large general practice firm that I especially dislike.

The FBI is tracking me because of what I have to tell you.” – Not a lie. This guy called me and then showed up unannounced at the office and scared the holy hell out of the receptionist. He was in pajamas, slippers, a robe, had mussed hair, and was obsessed with organizing the sugar packets and pencils at the front desk. Mr. Managing Partner told me that this guy needed to go, so we sent him to the bar referral service.

[Absolutely non-extendable statutory deadline] was last week, but I still want to file. I need [fraud & unethical conduct].” – Sorry, but I’m not risking my law licenses for you. I got this phone call mid-morning the day after Christmas a couple years ago, and a hard 12 month deadline had passed the prior week. Someone really truly asked me to commit fraud on the Patent Office, and I respectfully declined.

My unpatented invention of [ubiquitous product] was stolen by [huge multinational company] and I want to sue.” – This has happened a few times, and the “inventor” can never prove their case. I’m not a fan of being sanctioned by the Courts for bringing cases like this.

Cold caller wants me to take their patent application pro bono. – Pro bono work is not often associated with intellectual property. Indigents who are facing an unflinching criminal justice system, or a destitute person being evicted… that’s pro bono work. You don’t want to pay for a patent application? Not quite pro bono work.

Cold caller wants me to draft application for free (and pay the filing fee!) for a small slice of their future multimillion dollar company. – No, you sleazeball.

Cold caller will only tell me about the invention after I sign an NDA. – I don’t sign Non-Disclosure Agreements. I am bound by the Missouri Rules of Professional Conduct, so anything a prospective client tells me in confidence stays in confidence. (With exception. “I’m off to kill / maim someone…” gets reported to the cops.) If I explain that and they insist I sign, then goodbye and good luck.

Cold caller touts their “social network” invention as the “next Facebook” and wants free legal work – Maybe I’ll look back on this with regret, but probably not. Decline.

Cold caller’s invention cures a serious disease through a special diet – Yes, I got this call. I hesitate to say the illness, but I passed this single-claim inventor-drafted application on to someone else who handles this type of stuff. I hope the inventor is correct.

The one I’m waiting for, and it would make my day: Cold caller has invented a perpetual motion machine. – Please, Jebus, deliver this person and their contraption to me.

Drink This Beer: Kirkwood Station 51

No, I’m not dead. A month and a half absence from posting about beer and pork doesn’t necessarily speak to my doom… I’ve just been busy. How about a beer review?

What with all the rush to file before the America Invents Act takes effect, I’ve hardly had time to snag some new beer. Today’s brief detour to the new beer section at Friar Tuck’s redmediated that problem. After my successful beer flight at Kirkwood Station Brewery, I was pleased (if not a little surprised) to see Kirkwood Station 51.

KS51 A

Surrounded by (inanimate) admiring onlookers

 

What exactly is a “wine barrel aged Belgian style saison with Brettanomyces ale aged in wine barrels” besides hyper-descriptive? I’m familiar with Belgian style saison beers, and I can make an educated guess about wine barrel aging (even if they strangely printed it twice on the same label). But… Brettanomyces?

Wikipedia tells me that Brettanomyces is a common wine yeast, often viewed as a contaminant in beer unless you are talking about certain Belgian or Lambic style beers. I learned something today!

Atop the beer is a neat wax cap, a la Maker’s Mark, adding a little style to the beer. Cool!

This shouldn't be a challenge, right?

This shouldn’t be a challenge, right?

(several minutes later…) So it took a razor blade and a putty knife to get this wax off the bottle. I’m not joking. Put in a pull tab or something fellas. I shouldn’t be risking yet another finger injury just trying to open a beer. It went from neato to huge hassle in 10 seconds.

Once I FINALLY opened the damned beer, I had moved from optimistic and thirsty to slightly annoyed and thirsty. Pouring the beer, it sure smells good. Very fruity and flowery smell (perhaps due to the Brett yeast?). At 8.5% ABV and aromatic, this is yet another one of them sippin’ beers.

Okay so the kid has too many Legos

Okay so the kid has too many Legos

The first sip was extremely flavorful. I was taken aback by the overwhelming sweetness, sourness, and slight bitterness all mingled together. Sure, my palate was messed up from a few thousand calories of Girl Scout cookies and some lesser beers that I had consumed within the past hour, but this would have been surprising to anyone at any level of palate cleanliness.

As the sips progressed, I began to appreciate the layers in this beer. Minimal effervescence, wonderful cloudy amber color. It’s been reviewed as good-but-perhaps-not-great during its brief release time. Really a persistently strong Belgian flavor that erred on the sour side, though I’m not typically a sour beer fan.

Despite the need for a hacksaw to remove the superfluous wax ornamentation and the extremely troubling double mention of wine barrel aging in the beer label description, I found that the overall character and flavor of the beer made up for the perhaps-too-strong bite that accompanied the early sips. I’d buy it again, and that’s a good first step.

My recommendation for Kirkwood Station 51 is Drink This Beer.

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In Which I Explain My Copyright To New Media Professionals

I’ve had two abnormal spikes in traffic on this blog since it’s inception. The first came when an entry on parboiling ribs was picked up and heavily ridiculed on a competitive BBQer message board. The second came on Monday, for reasons I only now figured out.

Before I give the anecdote, here’s some important background information about me and this blog:

  • I am an intellectual property attorney, so I at least kind of know a little bit about copyright law.
  • I understand the Fair Use Doctrine of copyright law.
  • I have an exceptionally liberal copyright policy.
  • I consider myself an above-average critical reader.

Here’s the quick story, a lesson for would-be Search Engine Optimizers or aspiring “new media gurus”. Names have been redacted to spare the incompetent:

On a typical day this blog gets anywhere from 30-60 unique visitors. Half are looking for instructions on making a 55 gallon drum into a smoker, and another quarter want to par-boil ribs. The other quarter search for all kinds of crazy things or came here through Facebook or a WordPress subscription.

Monday, though, showed a huge spike in traffic (at least for me), with well over 100 people suddenly visiting my site in a few hours. In particular, one post (for a place or product… I don’t want to name names) was getting the vast majority of the traffic. I also had a back link from a site I’ve never heard of. (When someone posts a link to my site on some other website, and somebody clicks through to get here, I get a daily report of that “other website” as a referring link.)

I clicked that link and was taken to a “new media” company’s website. (Wikipedia considers New Media to be a broad term, but let’s just say this is a company that does internet-y stuff for clients.) There I saw the first 1/2 to 1/3 or so of my blog post, lifted and reposted with no attribution but a screen clip of the SimpsonBBQ title from the blog. No commentary, just a repost. In fact, the repost included hyperlinks, photos, etc. They even took my unique post’s URL and pasted it on the end of their own TDL. It was annoying and confusing.

Scrolling through the new media company’s website, I used my critical reading skills to determine that someone had barfed unintelligible SEO/internet buzzwords all over a commercial website, leaving me with no flippin’ idea what, if anything, this company does. More frustratingly, I couldn’t figure out why my post was on their site. (Ideal customer: “You can helps me with internets? I give you money now?”)

Barney the Simpson BBQ Copyright Bear was getting pissed off.

Roar! Who's stealing my content?

Roar! Who’s stealing my content?

I did what any sensible person with a restrained personality would do: Send the same message to the WhoIs administrative contact as well as through the “contact us” page on the offending website.

Hello -

It looks like you scraped one of my blog posts and placed it on your website.

My post: http://simpsonbbq.com/ [date]/[my unique URL]/

Your post: http:// [don't understand copyrights] .com/[my unique URL]/

Reading your site, I have no idea what you do (and, yes, that’s after reading the “What We Do” page). Lots of SEO buzzwords and other nonsense, but nothing substantive.

My copyright license is quite liberal, but it does not permit such brazen use of my content. Please remove it.

Thanks, and have a great day.

- Dan

[my phone number]

See how kind and restrained I can be? (And yes, I know “scraped” isn’t the technically correct term. I was full of Schlafly AIPA at the time. Give me a break.)

I truthfully expected no response at all.

Within FIVE MINUTES, I received two emails. The administrative contact (incorrectly) said that I was credited, but he would remove my content from their site if I wanted. The other emailer seemed a little more panicked. She asked if I needed the post removed from Facebook and the [place or product]‘s website. I didn’t even know about those last two.

I responded:

[Naive new media ace] -

This sounds like an honest mistake. I actually happen to be an intellectual property attorney, so here’s what I’m cool with: actual fair use.

Putting something on Facebook or the [place or product] site that says something like, “Here’s a blog post reviewing our [place or product]” and using an excerpt here and there, followed by a link to the site. That’s within what’s considered “fair use”. What I saw was just an unattributed copy with no comment, and that isn’t “fair use”.

I hope this helps.

- Dan

I must have confused the high hell out of her with the magical phrase “fair use” because she simply deleted the shared link post on Facebook for the [place or product], and from the [place or product]‘s company website. I didn’t get a response to that or a subsequent email. Calling out that I was an intellectual property attorney is what probably sealed the deal for her as far as taking everything down and not responding to me anymore.

A Quick Primer on Fair Use:

There are two kinds of copyrights. (Before I get into this too far, this is NOT legal advice. If you seek legal advice from a BBQ blog, you’re either exceptionally far below average intelligence or a new media kingpin.) I’m paraphrasing and dumbing things down for the pork-and-beer readership.

The first is a common law copyright that comes into being the moment an author puts a creative work into a fixed medium. What’s that? Artwork, music, photographs, literature, etc. The author owns the work and may assign or sell it as he or she sees fit. This is overly complex, but it’s a BBQ and beer blog.

The second is the federal copyright registration, whereby authors of creative works in a fixed medium may register their work with the federal government and put the rest of us on notice of their rights. The real benefit, in my opinion, to this system for the copyright registrant is statutory damages.

If someone steals your common law copyrighted work, then you have to prove damages either as loss of income for you or improper gain for them or something like that… I don’t file copyright lawsuits.

But, if someone steals your federally-registered work, you have statutory damages that can wildly exceed the lost profits. Why do you think someone who pirates a few dozen $0.99 songs gets hit with thousands and thousands of dollars of damages in an infringement suit? Statutory damages! Lots of money per copy adds up fast, even if you make nothing off of pirating the music.

There is an exception, however, to copyright infringement: Fair use. There are basic rules, but in the end it’s completely subjective. Certain things are considered fair use, such as “criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, or research”, and that’s right out of 17 U.S.C. 107 (federal law). There are factors that will determine whether or not any of those is a fair use, including whether it’s commercial or not, the nature of the copyrighted work, the amount of the work copied, and the effect of the copying on the market value of the work.

So, looking to my case, the copying was maaaaaaaybe a news reporting in that they reposted it with other articles on their site that included some press releases (which is another issue… they copied works of other publishers. I’m a schmoe with a hobby blog, not a huge newspaper conglomerate.) In the end, I don’t think it falls into any of those categories. The use was purely commercial and a significant portion of the article was copied. I was in my rights to gripe, as explained above.

Interestingly, when I was ripped apart by the BBQ bloggers for parboiling ribs, that WAS fair use! I licensed my non-people photos to the world royalty-free, their reposting was limited in scope and for the purpose of criticism and comment, and it was purely non-commercial. Bravo, BBQ purists/haters!

Back to the conclusion of my story:

What I later learned was that my father (god bless his little heart) went to the [place or product]‘s website, clicked on the “contact us” page, and submitted my blog post review. He just wanted to share my review of their [place or product] and meant no harm. There’s no way he could have known that the fillable contact form doesn’t go to the company owners, but instead it goes to the internet wizards who fumbled the ball by reposting my blog entry to their own new media superstar company website.

Share my blog on Facebook – great. Put a quick blurb and backlink to the blog on your place or product website – huzzah! Hell, ridicule me on a BBQ message board – have a great time! Just don’t copy and paste my content onto your unintelligible new media site.

Condescending Protips for New Media Gurus:

  1. Know the difference between Fair Use and Copyright Infringement.
  2. Consult an intellectual property attorney or, at a very minimum, some kind of corporate attorney with IP experience sometime before you begin to work with other people’s content.
  3. Say what the hell you actually do on your website. Below is the most specific thing I could find on the new media guru site.
  4. These buzzwords suck, say nothing, and were probably originally written by a subliterate gravel-knuckled mouth-breathing barely-sentient smoldering garbage fire of a human. They have been and can be rearranged in any way to make a paragraph that conveys no information or idea and is meant to confuse the internet-illiterate: ideal nexus; alternative media; measurable results; reach the subconscious minds; HTML email blasts; out-of-the box marketing; cost-effective methodology; latest technologies available; cost-effective marketing plan; website optimization; social media; SEO; etc.
  5. This is great, and I wrote it in under two minutes: We will take your input and build you a kickass website, and then manage that website so you can focus on running your business. We will try to write that website in such a way that search engines find it particularly relevant when a potential customer is searching for [whatever you do/sell]. We will also set up a Facebook page and Twitter account for you, and manage those as well. We know you’re busy running [place or product] company, so we will take care of your online image at a reasonable price. If there’s ever a customer concern, we’ll forward those to you and work with you to get your customers satisfied. Also, don’t worry about us violating copyrights, because we have a basic understanding of copyright law and fair use.

NB: Any comments that speculate about the identity of the new media company and/or the [product or place] company will not be approved. Those that are auto-approved will be deleted. I’m not looking to Name and Shame.

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